I’ve gotten a lot of requests over the past while asking for various bits of info on Bangkok, and have seen a lot of chatter on the intertubes relating to the city by the people that have visited – critiques, commentary, criticism and praise. Most has been praise, but even the criticism is refreshing because it allows me just a tiny glimpse of my first year here. I got to thinking – what hints I would tell myself if I got a chance to send a short note back through time to myself in 2001 just as I arrived in Bangkok. Nothing major, like “That guy will betray your friendship,” or “She just wants a baby, run!”, but rather general little hints that would have eased my passage into life in the ‘Kok. Here are a few I thought of.

The Land of Smiles is an Ad Campaign

Right up there with A Diamond is Forever (a must-read article by the way, click it!), the Land of Smiles campaign has been so successful that it’s literally become the country’s unnoficial nickname. I am too lazy to look for can’t find info on when exactly the campaign came into being, but it’s a bit of a misnomer. Sure, people in Thailand smile – in fact, they might even smile more than the average person. But c’mon, who doesn’t like smiling? Only a few grumpy douchebags, really, and Thailand – like any country – has plenty of those. Thais are no more willing to smile or laugh or enjoy themselves than anyone else, in my experience, but the way the campaign is blasted around, it’s easy to think the entire population is running around with flip-top heads and perma-jollies.

You Have to be a Bit of a Douche Sometimes

I’ve written about this before, but the waves of beggars, touts, scammers, vendors and women-of-questionable-means-who-grab-your-hand-and-try-to-pull-you-into-a-bar is pretty hard to avoid. If you had to stop to say “No thanks” to everyone who ‘got all up in your grill’ (as the kids are saying these days), it would take you 90 minutes to walk to the end of the block. Rule of thumb: if you didn’t initiate the converation, ignore it. This, of course, doesn’t apply to police officers, gangsters, and people screaming and pointing behind you.

The food isn’t as dangerous as you think

In ten years of eating everything from cow-blood soup to duck tongue to fat, pregnant crickets, I’ve only gotten sick once from Thai street food (granted, I usually stick to more traditional fare). Sure, a street food stall would likely give a western food inspector a heart attack, and you’re bound to get a bit of Bangkok Belly, but that’s not from the poorly-cooked food; it’s from the bacteria in the water, the meat, the vegetables – hell, the air – that’s different from what you’re used to. Carry some toilet paper and a comic book, and commence chowing down on some of the best food in the world. Whatever fears you have are likely unfounded, and any bouts of stomach rumblings will soon pass.

I didn't say all the food was good - I just said it wouldn't kill you.

I didn’t say all the food was good – I just said it wouldn’t kill you.

Probably 65% of Your Activities Will Take Place 3km from the Subway or Skytrain

Bangkok is a big city, but a lot of things of interest to a visitor are close to the mass transit lines. Not everything, mind you – Khao San Road, Ratanakosin Island, plenty of museums and random temples – are nowhere near them. But most of the good restaurants, bars, hotels, malls, movie theaters and general attractions are pretty close. Get to know the routes well and learn how they tie into the city and its other modes of transport, and it’ll make getting around a lot easier; taxis are not the end-all solution.

Learn to suck it up

I never saw a cockroach until I came to Thailand – it’s too cold where I’m from in Canada – but the first one I ever saw landed on my neck one night while I was walking down the street. I didn’t even know they could fly! Of course I flipped out, because they are Fugly with a capital F. But the chances of you catching salmonella or diptheria (the two diseases they’re most likely to carry) are pretty slim if you don’t mix them in with your food. Essentially, they are harmless to the average observer. The same goes with rats, which can often be seen scurrying around the drains at nighttime; bad smells, which drift around the city like lost Thetans; and stray dogs, which often look like hairless scrotums with eyes. These things might not be pleasant to look at, but they won’t hurt you anymore than the grabbing the doorknob in a public bathroom will. However, if you see any Jehova’s Witnesses, feel free to run screaming.

Okay, THESE roaches might be cause to run.

Okay, THESE roaches might be cause to run.