Every big city has its own unique attitude, and likewise everyone living in every one of these big cities requires a certain set of implements, tools and gear in order to get the most out of life there. In my home city – Calgary, Alberta (motto: “You don’t work with horses or in oil? What do you do?”) – the necessary tools were, among others, a car (it’s a big city area-wise), winter clothes, and maybe a pack of Skoal if you want to mimic the stanky, cancer-ridden jawline of your cowboy heroes. Bangkok is no different – with its vast canvas of contrasting landscapes, transport, people, and infrastructure, it’s a much more enjoyable place to live if you have the right tools to cut through the din. I came up with a few items that make my life in Bangkok that much easier.

Handkerchief

Despite the ridiculous amount of transport options, you never know when you’re going to find yourself out for a ‘quick’ walk in the tropical heat. In the winter time it’s not so bad, but come April, even a quick jaunt to the 7-11 can result in sweat dripping off your nose. What are you going to do, wipe it back into your hair? Squeegee it off your face onto your shirt? No, my friend, you whip this bad boy out of your pocket, clean up, and be on your merry way. Bonus use: Let’s just say that it’s not unheard of to find yourself in an emergency situation in a bathroom without toilet paper, and leave it at that.

Geisha not included. Usually.

Geisha not included. Usually.

iPod

Bangkok is one of the noisiest cities in the world. Indeed, the last bastion of semi-silence in the city – the MRT subway system – has now been ruined with the addition of televisions showing obnoxiously loud and annoying commercials that no one is insterested in. Even the stellar Not the Nation got in on the action with a story titled “Hundreds Gathering at Last Quiet Spot in Bangkok.” The only way to offer even a feeble fight against this aural onslaught is with music blasting into your ears. Pro tip: Not recommended: Enya, Sigur Ros, or Yani. Recommended: Metallica, Pearl Jam, or Skunk Anansie. If you don’t like music, you can listen to Celine Dion or recordings of a stressed-out fruit bat, which are approximately the same thing.

Also useful as a paperweight, but only for those ridiculously small pink Thai napkins.

Also useful as a paperweight, but only for those ridiculously small pink Thai napkins.

Good Shoes

It’s no secret that Bangkok’s sidewalks suck. Telephone booths, stairwells, utility poles and food vendors fight for precious sidewalk real estate, while potholes, loose tiles, stray dogs and the occasional CHUD do their best to break your ankles and/or devour your flesh. Thai women are the only ones able to navigate this urban maze with high-heels; all others should wear running shoes. I joke, but seriously – one trip on a narrow sidewalk next to a busy road and you’ll suddenly find yourself in front of an oncoming bus. Bonus: There is no bonus, it’s hard to look cool in running shoes if you’re not exercising, but it’s that or the bus.

Bangkok's sidewalks have officially been named Lady GaGa's Arch-Enemy.

Bangkok’s sidewalks have officially been named Lady GaGa’s Arch-Enemy.

BTS/MRT cards

I love living in Bangkok, but one of the worst moments is when you go to buy a card for the skytrain or subway at rush hour and find yourself in a line that stretches 80 meters down the walkway. It’s becoming incresingly obvious that the aging skytrain stations are too narrow and hobbled with poor crowd control mechanisms to be anything but a huge pain during rush hour…unless!…you are lucky enough to have a pre-paid card in your pocket. It won’t make the stations any bigger, but it will mean you don’t have to wait in some huge-ass line with a bunch of non-ticket holding suckers for 30 minutes…just to get change for the machines, which you then have to line up for. Bonus: They also make wicked ninja throwing cards if you’re cornered. Warning: This will probably not work.

 

Your ticket to the place where the cool kids hang out.

Your ticket to the place where the cool kids hang out.

Smartphone

Obviously this one isn’t necessary, but it sure makes things easier. Bangkok’s spaghetti-tangle of roads and sois are very easy to get lost in, and a GPS device in your pocket is sometimes an invaluable help if you’re unfamiliar with the city. Also, the Thai word for far, ไกล (glai) sounds eerily similar to the Thai word for near, ใกล้ (glai, but with a different tone). Take it from me, asking someone if your destination is far and hearing “No, not far!” makes for a really crappy 30 minutes of walking if you actually asked if it was close and got “No, not close!” Knowing exactly how far away you are can be immensely handly. Bonus: Use it as an iPod (item #2), a talking dictionary (with the right app), and a handkerchief (item #1) if you’re rich!

Also good for wiping sweat off your face and hammering in nails.

Also good for wiping sweat off your face and hammering in nails.

So, if you’ve got some or most of these things, you should be in pretty good shape for making your way around the city. What did I miss?