The problem with being an expat making negative statements about Thailand is that there are so many of us/them. Most, despite spending the majority of their time on a bar stool, somehow hold the secret to solving all of Thailand’s woes, from government corruption to stray dogs to getting too many plastic bags at 7-11. However, while I don’t claim to have any magic solutions, I think I’ve built up enough soi-cred to be able to state – with all love for my adopted home – a few negatively-tinged facts about Thailand. My number one beef: customer service.

Maybe it’s the Thai custom of… you know what, I’m not even going to try to dissect it and pin it down to any kind of cultural twist or character nuance. I don’t know. No one knows. It’s a complete mystery, but ‘customer service’ is a phrase completely unknown to many, if not most, Thai customer service reps.

A perfect example of this is the following story: I went to Aldo shoes here at Paragon Mall, because I know Aldo has huge shoes in Canada, and I have huge feet – size 14, which are hard completely impossible to find here. I figured they can order them from the factory, so I asked the clerk.

“Hi, do you have size 14?” “No.” This was expected, no problem. “Okay, can you order them for me?” “No.” “No? Let me ask you this, my good man, where do you get these shoes here?” I ask, holding up a pair. Nervous laughter. “Do you make them here?” I ask. “No.”  “So where do you get them from?” I continue, “We order them.” “Can you order them for me?” “Ummmm…” At this point, he does the all-too-familiar panicked look around for a coworker and calls her over. “Hi, can you order shoes for me?” “Yes, but it takes four months.”

That’s all I wanted to hear. No problem, thankyouverymuch and haveagoodday.

The dream of every frustrated customer.

The dream of every frustrated customer.

This type of ‘automatic no’ is well known to anyone who is trying to get a straight answer. I believe that many Thais think it’s just easier to say “no” and get rid of the problem foreigner before he causes too much trouble. Now, I realize that many Thais don’t speak great English, and this is fine. I’m not expecting stellar language skills – I just want a straight answer.

The following exchange is the most typical type of customer service experience you’re likely to run into if you call to get help with your phone, computer, television, visa, passport, ticket… basically anything that requires you to explain the situation.

“Hi, I was wondering… (detailed description of problem that often takes several minutes).” “Ummm, jusmomen” (rumbling and crackling as they apparently put the phone reciever in their armpit). Background yelling: “(Unintelligible Thai) farang!” More rumbling. “Hello?” “Hi.” “Can I help you?” And then you have to explain your problem again. This is often, although thankfully not always, followed by more rumbling and further explanation to befuddled staff on down the line.

These are just two examples, and the variety in which they come in is both amazing and infuriating.

Just for the record, those are Australian 20 cent pieces. I think. Either that or doubloons, and pirates definitely don't have good customer service.

Just for the record, those are Australian 20 cent pieces. I think. Either that or doubloons, and pirates definitely don’t have good customer service.

So, in case you’re unfamiliar with the process, the first time you need to get a problem solved in Thailand, make sure you have a block of about 30 minutes, a pen and paper to write down the alternate (often not working) phone numbers you’ll get, and maybe a good book to while away the time. Always ask for the name of the person you’re speaking to, and speak slowly. It might not get you better service, but it’s harder to raise your voice and swear if you’re talking slowly, which your blood pressure will appreciate.