Christmas is a special time for everyone who grows up in a western country. For me, it’s a time of chilly nights, warm fireplaces, heavy snowfall and quality time with family and friends. I love Christmas; it’s my favorite time of the year and has been since I was wee. But when you’re living overseas, it’s not as easy as simply jetting back for a few days; plane tickets are expensive and in many places, such as Thailand, December 25th is simply a regular workday in a regular week. So, what’s the best thing to do? You want to avoid overloading yourself with reminders of what you’re missing but still get a taste of home. With that in mind, I picked five of my favorite Christmas movies that give you a healthy dose of Christmas cheer but distract you with other movie goodness so as to avoid leaving you a wine-soaked lump of homesick wretchedness.
#5 – Batman Returns
Yes, I know it’s not the best of the pre-Bale Batman films, but Batman Returns is a damn sight better than the day-glo crap that Joel Schumacher vomited out and it’s the only one that takes place at Christmas. Michael Keaton’s last turn as the Caped Crusader also enjoys some bigtime star power: Christopher Walken, Danny DeVito, Michelle Pfeiffer and even Paul Reubens (Pee Wee Herman!). Best non-Christmas Christmas moment: The Penguin kills the Holiday Ice Princess by dropping her off a building in front of a huge crowd of children. She smashes into a control box that explodes and lights up a huge Christmas tree, sending thousands of bats screeching into the night.
Despite what everyone thought at the time, that’s snow, not cocaine. Then again, it IS a movie about a dude running around dressed as a bat. He was probably as high as a kite.
#4 – Trading Places
Back when Eddie Murphy and Dan Aykroyd were two of the top movie stars, Trading Places emerged as a comedy classic. Two old rich pricks (legendary Ralph Bellamy and Don Ameche) try an experiment where they see if they can take a smartass street hustler (Murphy) and, with a bit of training, turn him into a financial wunderkind, destroying white-collar Aykroyd’s career in the process. But Murphy and Aykroyd get wise, and set out to get sweet, sweet revenge. Best non-Christmas Christmas moment: A wasted Aykroyd busts into a high-falutin’ Wall Street party dressed as Santa to steal food and frame someone by planting drugs. He then goes home and fails at not one, but two suicide attempts.
Hey, sliding down all those dirty-ass chimeys would get your beard gray and dirty too
#3 – A Nightmare Before Christmas
Tim Burton’s stop-motion masterpiece straddles the line between Christmas and Halloween so well you’re not really sure which type of movie it is – a Halloween movie with Christmas good-wishery or a Christmas movie with Halloween creepiness? We all know the story – Jack Skellington, King of Halloweenland, wants to experience Christmas so he kidnaps Santa and starts delivering presents on his own. Best non-Christmas Christmas moment: The whole damn movie flouts pretty much any Christmas convention there is, but my favorite is when Skellington hires three psychotic children to kidnap Santa Claus and lock him a dungeon with a psychotic gambling addict who happens to be made from a possessed potato sack filled with poisonous insects.
Moldy tuxedo? Check. Bat bowtie? Check. Delicate, beautiful, crystal of frozen water that represents innocence and hope? Check.
#2 – Lethal Weapon
Back before Riggs and Murtaugh were best friends and family men, they hated each other’s guts and nearly killed each other on several occasions. Lethal Weapon is a great example of a pretty average story turned into awesomeness by tight writing, great casting and good action. Gary Busey was still a badass back then, and as Riggs and Murtaugh take on a drug syndicate during Christmas in LA, things get bloody. Best non-Christmas Christmas moment: After Busey’s off-the-rails killer drives his car through Murtaugh’s front door and shoots the place up, he finds a sarcastic welcome note taped to a Christmas tree (as A Christmas Carol plays in the background, no less). He then gets into a brutal fight-to-the-death with Riggs on the front lawn which sees him strangled, beaten with a stick, and shot to death at point blank range.
Sarcasm and Christmas go together like Jesus and Frankenstein! I mean, Frankinsence.
#1 – Die Hard
Hands down one of the all-time best action movies ever made. Off-duty cop John McClane is the only one not rounded up after a group of smart, ruthless, well-armed terrorists takes over a skyscraper on Christmas Eve with plans to break into its vault. Problem is, one of the hostages is McClane’s wife, and McClane sucks at anger management. At a time when shoot-em-ups consisted mainly of Sly or Arnie wiping out thousands of soldiers with their bare hands and a few matches, Die Hard shook up the genre, giving it a mighty dose of (relative) realism and reminding Hollywood that audiences weren’t stupid. So what do we have? Bruce Willis as a hero we can sympathize with; Alan Rickman as terrorist leader Hans, a bad guy who’s actually threatening; a smart script that doesn’t pander to the audience; some of the best balls-to-the-wall set pieces ever put to film; and a masterful control over pacing – by the time McClane leaps off the roof into thin air just as Hans detonates the top three floors of the building, your heart is in your throat. Bonus points for Christmas bells and chime effects worked into the soundtrack. Best non-Christmas Christmas moment: There are actually two: #1: McClane gets into a fight with terrorist Tony, which ends when they fall down a flight of stairs, breaking Tony’s neck. He then sends the corpse down to Tony’s brother Karl in an elevator with “Now I have a machine gun. Ho, ho, ho” written on his chest in his own blood. #2: As an undercover police officer drives away from the building convinced nothing’s amiss, he starts to sing Christmas carols. When he gets to the line “Let is snow, let it snow, let it snow” the bullet-riddled corpse of a terrorist smashes onto his hood after being thrown through a plate glass window by McClane 40 stories above. Bonus reading: Cracked ranks Die Hard as the best Christmas movie ever made. Sweet
The hat is a nice touch. It brings out his blood.
So there are five of my top Christmas movies that still give you a hint of the Christmas spirit but don’t smack you over the head with carols, redemption, religion or the love of family and friends which, if you’re an expat, are probably on the other side of the world anyway. Let them have their snow and eggnog. Me, I’ll turn on the air-con, pop in some Die Hard, and be happy knowing that I’m loved… but also that I’m warm. Merry Christmas.
Ahhh…down memory lane. Die Hard has got to be one of the best action movies and I haven’t seen it in ages. And I believe they play Trading Places on some channel or another every Christmas. So, even though I’ll be shivering here in Farangland this Christmas I think I’ll join you in watching some of the best non-Christmas Christmas movies.
Batman Returns: I thought snow was another word for cocaine….
To quote an expert, Ossie Osbourne, from ‘Snowblind’ – “Feeling happy in my vein
Icicles are in my brain
(cocaine) “
Great idea! Indeed memories of the family gathered around the chimney with a warm cosy feel (especially when looking at the snow outside the house) seem so far away! Didn’t bother decorating the christmas tree yet, not in the mood with such good weather. I know I have a dvd of a fireplace with a log burning forever somewhere…
I think Gremlins deserve”s a spot on that list maybe between 4 and 5..
Gremlins was a great one… I thought about it but decided it had too much Christmas imagery to qualify. Although now that I think about it, the story about her dad breaking his neck while coming down a chimney dressed as Santa and how they only found his body after the smell got so bad a few days later was pretty un-Christmassy. New entry – GREMLINS!
“Let them have their snow and eggnog. Me, I’ll turn on the air-con, pop in some Die Hard, and be happy knowing that I’m loved… but also that I’m warm”. Classic line! Let’s watch DieHard on the 25th.
As always, I’m late but I would like to add “About a boy”.
The Christmas moment being Hugh Grant in the supermarket when his dad’s christmas song comes on. november the sodding 19th.
Ooh, good one Nadine. That’s a great movie, too. Hugh Grant playing something other than a fopishly charming rogue. Also, I giggle every time a Thai movie theater has a poster for one of his movies, listing him as ‘Huge Grant’.
Love the list, best part… "Im to old for this shhiiiittttt'
I also think Christmas vacation deserves to be on the list. It's a classic!
I knew even without reading it that Die Hard
was #1 on the list – I still remember seeing it
for the first time in the theatre with you!
Watched it the other day – still holds up to (and
indeed surpasses) most other action flicks.
I would also toss in DH2 – it's not in the top 5,
but worth a mention.
Yippie Ki Ay, MF!