After a few years as an expat, you look back on your first days/weeks/months here and smile. Or cringe. Usually cringe. The amount of mistakes and cultural boo-boo’s you make in your first foray into fitting into a new culture is often the source of much guffaws for Thais, and – hopefully – act as benchmarks for the progress you’ve made in adapting to living in the Land of Smiles. However, hindsight is 20/20, and I was thinking recently about a few things I wish I had known before I came overe here. It could have saved me a few grief-filled afternoons, but… then again, I wouldn’t have some of the cool stories I do. At any rate, here are my top five things I wish that I had known before I moved to Thailand.

1. Almost everyone you know has been here.

An embarrassing confession: while planning for my big trip, I actually went to the army surplus store to stock up on various pieces of survival gear. Nothing serious, but I looked at knives, tents, boots, etc. I don’t know what I was expecting – a country covered by jungle, with huge tracts of land begging for exploration, undiscovered treasures around every corner and about five foreigners to speak of. When I started telling everyone I was going to Thailand! I was slightly let down by the fact that 90% of them either had been themselves or knew someone who had been. Fact is, Thailand’s tourism industry has been booming for the better part of 80 years and the chances of you doing or seeing something that hasn’t been seen or done ten thousand times is pretty rare. Don’t be surprised if images of Indiana Jones-like adventures are quickly supplanted by the reality of waiting in line at a 7-11 or becoming a faceless entity in the well-worn tourist production line (Khao San Road, Chiang Mai, elephant riding, beers on a beach). Not to say it isn’t still fun – just don’t expect to break any new ground.

2. Not everyone smiles.

The hugely successful Land of Smiles campaign engineered by the Tourism Authority of Thailand has done a great job of convincing the world that everyone in Thailand smiles all the time, and that the entire country is populated by jovial, harmless teddy-bears. The problem, of course, is that many people equate smiles with trustworthiness, which is definitely not the case.

"Mr Weisenheim, I'm so happy to meet you!"

“Mr Weisenheim, I’m so happy to meet you!”

While most Thais certainly love to joke and laugh, the country does have its fair share of scheming jerks who will lie right to your face through a huge smile to trick you out of a few bucks. There are douchebags in every country, and Thailand is no exception, smiles or not.

3. Take what you read online with a bucket of salt.

I did a lot of reading online leading up to my trip and – surprise, surprise – much of it was absolute crap that dealt with one thing: I’ll give you a hint: it starts with ‘w’ and ends in ‘horing’. What I found while reading pages and pages of overly descriptive stories of drunken hookups in bathrooms, orgies in short-time hotels and vomit-stained nights with random strangers, is that I was developing a particularly depressing image of Thailand in my head. Was everyone an alcoholic sex fiend? Was there anything to do beside drink and make friends with rejects from western society? Does anyone tell a story that’s not ridiculously exaggerated? The answer, of course, is yes, there are plenty of ‘normal’ things to do and people to meet, but their online presence is outweighed by the sheer volume of sexcapade stories. Hardly anyone writes a blog post about an intellectually stimulating conversation with a rocket scientist in a nice jazz club (true story) because no one searches for that. People search for blog posts about ladyboy surprises or outrageous descriptions of LBFM activity (if you know what that is, you’ve been reading the types of blogs I’m urging you to avoid). My advice – read all you can but make sure to balance the sleazy stuff with the positive stuff. Why, start with GregToDiffer.com! (Note to self: “Ladyboy Surprise” would be an awesome punk band name).

"Trust me. No matter what."

“Trust me. No matter what.”

4. Not everyone in Thailand wears fisherman pants and flip flops.

The perennial dream of gap-year kids and pasty tourists is to ‘escape the rat race’ for a Thai vacation and put your brain, fashion sense and social decorum on hold. That may fly on Khao San Road or the beaches, but many people forget that Bangkok is a real, functioning city. People wear suits and high heels, carry briefcases and dress up for nights out. Bangkok locals hate it when a dreadlocked hippie with a scraggly beard and $4 outfit joins the scene and tries to be taken as anything other than a random, nescient tourist on their way to a beach.

5. You will never be considered Thai.

Before I came, I had images of myself pulling a Jake Sully in Avatar (or John Smith in Pocahontas, same thing) – learning the language and culture to the extent that I’d essentially blend in and ‘disappear’ into the ether. Yeah right. Despite the fact I look like Stone Cold Steve Austin, Thailand is not a country where multiculturalism has ever taken hold. Foreigners are often shocked at what seems like blatant racism but is really just the Thai unfamiliarity with the norms of other cultures. That being said, Thais are a pretty insular lot – as a foreigner, you will always be “The Farang”, the outsider with minimal rights and legal recourse, who can’t own land or a Thai company, and who must jump through so many hoops to gain citizenship that you’ll likely be able to audition for Cirque du Soleil when (if) you finally succeed. Accept it – you are on the outside looking in. It’s not necessarily a bad place to be, but you’ll never be on the inside looking out.

His headband reads: Douchebag Crossing.

His headband reads: Douchebag Crossing.