Anyone who has spent any time in a Thai 7-11 has probably seen those little bottles of…drink…stuff. Everything from bird’s nests to collagen to essence of things. They’re peddled on television, usually by alarmingly young women wearing tight clothes who seem to be having just a wonnnnnnderful time hanging out and laughing together. Anyway, every time I walk by there seems to be another type of colorful little box, so I decided to find out what the hell they were. Also, it’s a long weekend and I have a new baby, so I’m stuck at home. Don’t let it be said that G2D doesn’t delve into hard-hitting journalism.

I randomly chose 7 of the drinks to take home. They’re not cheap either, ranging from 27 to 97 baht, although averaging about 40 baht. I wasn’t sure what to expect, so I sat down at my computer with a beer in hand in order to cleanse the palette between drinks, and started in. In fact, if you look at the picture below, you can see me typing this.

How very meta.

How very meta.

So let’s get right into it. Beer is ready, and I’m looking out of the corner of my eye to “essence of chicken” which I’m not looking forward to trying. Anyway, here are the seven drinks that I chose:

To good health!

To good health!

First up: Veta Balance Quince essence concentrate mix (that’s the orange on on the top left). The box says ‘quince mixed with apple, carrot essence concentrate and apple cider. I don’t even know what quince is.

Tastes like: Soupy baby food, almost strawberry-y, even though that’s not one of the ingredients. Not bad at all!

Rating: 4 out of 5 stars. Would drink again.

**

Second up: Scotch Collagen-LeffUp. There’s no other English on the box except on the lid where it says “Sea Buckthorn.” Starting to get a bit nervous.

Tastes like: Medicine, sort of halfway between Peptol Bismol and Canadian cold cure-all Buckleys, with none of sharp taste to take the edge of. Like if you could turn the smell of a hospital hallway into a taste.

Rating: 1 out of 5. Will not try again, I don’t care how much collagen my lips need.

**

Third up: Scotch Puree, berry essence concentrate plus vitamins. The box says it helps improve eyesight. I can’t wait!

Tastes like: Syrup with very little sugar and medium berry taste. Not too strong. Not awful, but not sweet enough to be considered good.

Rating: 3 out of 5. It’s been a few minutes and my eyesight has not improved.

Although I'd be more surprised if this happened.

Although I’d be more surprised if this happened.

Fourth up: Essence of Mushroom dietary supplement. The drink includes shitake, maitake, yamabushitake, reishi, and cordyceps mushrooms. Hmm, cordyceps, where have I heard that before…oh right, because it’s a goddamn terrifying spore that infects animals and turns them into zombies and sprouts vines from the dead husks of their bodies. I’m not even joking. It’s also the cause of the the end of humanity in the video game The Last of Us. But I’m sure the drink is fine.

Tastes like: Ugh, dirt. And mushrooms. Imagine boiling a pot of unwashed mushrooms and then drinking the water. Ugh, ugh, ugh.

Rating: 0 out of 5. Ugh. Need beer.

**

Fifth up: Essence of chicken. For some reason I’m imaging a whole chicken just being dropped in a juicer and a conveyor belt of wee bottles passing by underneath to catch the soup.

Tastes like: Greasy chicken broth, and not the good kind that they serve with khao man gai. More like the leftover fat at the bottom of a cooking pan.

Rating: 2 out of 5. Not entirely awful but not sure why you’d want to drink it.

**

Sixth up: Scotch real bird’s nest. It’s even Royale Premium! None of that regular bird’s nest stuff for me.

Tastes like: 1 part shredded cardboard, 1 part glycerin, a wee pinch of sugar. Actually the cardboard analogy is easier to deal with when you consider the little chunks are pieces of grass that were once stuck together with bird spit.

Rating: 3 out of 5. It’s not bad it’s just not something I’d drink regularly.

**

Seventh up: Kagone Lycopene essence of tomato. I looked up lycopene and it’s the carotene pigment that makes tomatoes red, so…I guess that’s good.

Tastes like: Tomato juice, but stronger. Not bad, actually.

Rating: 4 out of 5. If you like tomato juice, you’ll like this. Although if you like tomato juice, not sure why you’d buy it by the shot.

So there we go. At least now I know kind of what these things are going for – concentrated doses of various things that may or may not be good for you, depending on which form of dietary science you adhere to. There’s probably about 6 or 8 others that I didn’t bother getting, but I think this is enough for now. I think I’ll get a second beer.

Burp.

Burp.