Every place has rules – from your school to your job to your girlfriend’s apartment, there are just certain tenets you need to follow if you don’t want to get a boot to the curb. Countries work the same way. Some rules are legal, some are moral, and some belong to that long and growing list of unwritten rules that govern different parts of our life (such as the one saying that male friends can’t touch knees in a movie theater). Below are some of the rules that you need to live by if you plan on staying in Thailand for any length of time. Of course, my list is by no means comprehensive, but it’s a start.

Thou Shalt Learn Modesty and Discretion: It seems ironic that one should suggest being modest and discrete in a country where you can delve into your deepest, most primal fantasies for the cost of a tank of gas back home (um… so I’ve heard), but it’s true. The bottom line is: as a foreigner here, unless you’re obscenely rich, you have very few options if you get in trouble. Oh sure, the general rules are the same – work, earn, spend, love, drink beer – but you will never be Thai; you will always be a farang, and there are certain things you have to learn and accept, or you’ll be back working at Target with a tan line and a grudge. Sometimes you have to suck it up and let the bad guy win; be it the niece of a politician that just rear-ended your car, an argument with a neighbor over music volume, or certain obvious truths about certain public figures that should be discussed (but aren’t). Thailand, like most countries, has its own set of rules, and sometimes, you gotta just raise your palms, say “Sorry dude, I was wrong” and follow the leader.

Thou Shalt Never Listen to Advice Given at Titty Bars: Each year recorded on a foreigner’s living-in-Thailand headboard ka-chings up a certain amount of street-cred. However, it also – for some reason – ka-chings up the amount of advice guys in bars want to give out to ‘new guys’. Sure I’ve found some solid, sage advice from dodgy dudes in strange places, but those instances have been mightily outweighed by the amount of rumor, heresy, conjecture and lies packaged as ‘insider info’. It wouldn’t be so bad if they were giving advice on where to buy the best stereo, but more often than not they’re telling you about immigration regulations that can have serious repercussions. If it’s important, always check it yourself.

Thou Shalt Learn to Be a Jerk (Sometimes): Unless you live in a bad part of town back home, no one ever walks up to you on the street and tries to snare you in a complex, mutli-level lie, but that happens a lot in Thailand. From tuk-tuk drivers to friendly strangers to ‘students’, ‘monks’, ‘UNICEF workers’ and ‘security guards’, any tourist area will have reams of people hoping to get you interested in a scam. When approached on the street by one of these buffoons with a fake smile and handshake, completely ignore them as if they were a puff of smoke. This would be unforgivably rude back home, but if you say, “Sorry, not interested” to every fruitcake who approaches you, you’ll be hoarse by the end of the day. If you need help, by all means ask; otherwise, ignore everyone.

Someday, the immortal words of George Costanza will be the basis for a new religion.

Someday, the immortal words of George Costanza will be the basis for a new religion.

Someday, the immortal words of George Costanza will be the basis for a new religion.Thou Shalt See the Country: I’m a bit guilty of ignoring this one myself – my ratio of miles traveled to time spent in Bangkok is depressingly low, but I have managed to see most areas of Thailand. It’s easy to settle in Bangkok or Chiang Mai and make only weekend runs to a beach or a mountain hiking trail. But if you want to really experience Thailand, get to a village somewhere, rent a motorbike and give yourself a few days to get lost. You’ll see stuff, meet people and get a much better feel for how the country works and how its pieces fit together. Travel’s cheap; experience is priceless.

Thou Shalt Join a Few Clubs: I have personal experience with this one – my first 4 or 5 months in Thailand were nearly enough to make me want to pack up my bags and leave. I had no friends, no money, and no support network; it wasn’t a very fun time. The turnover rate for expats here (and, I imagine, anywhere), is usually quite high; people flit in, stay for a few months or a year, then move home or to some other far-flung locale. The bottom line is that it’s hard to meet people who live here vs people who are on a type of long-term work placement. It’s for this reason that you should most definitely join a few clubs to meet others who are in the same position as you. Be it clubs on reading, martial arts, public speaking, pub quizzes or the dozens of networking events held by various Chambers of Commerce, social organizations or the Twitterati, there’s usually a place where you can meet a wide variety of people, learn a whole bunch about the place, and make some good long-term friends. It really goes a long way to helping you enjoy a place when you’re not eating every meal alone wondering where you can meet people.

Thou Shalt Take Advantage of a Work Permit: Apparently, some people in Thailand don’t have a work permit but still perform work. I have no knowledge of this, as I’ve had a work permit for every job I’ve done here, ever (eyes shift left and right…). Anyway, if you want your life in Thailand to have any semblance of permanence, you need a work permit. There are many good websites that detail the constantly shifting rules and regs to getting one, but once you get one, doors that were previously closed suddenly open. My advice: milk it, (responsibly, of course). Apply for bank accounts, online banking and credit cards, Get a post-paid phone account, a telephone/internet connection in your name and a Thai driver’s license. Even if you change jobs and/or lose your work permit, these things remain, and they really make your life here easier.

Thou Shalt Not Mentally Convert Prices into Your Home Currency: This is a hard one to avoid but it’s a good one. If you’re on vacation, convert away, but if you live here it can come back and bite you in the ass, as I found out first hand. My first six months or so here, I was constantly telling myself, “Oh, that’s only a dollar, oh, this is only three bucks,” etc. The problem was – I wasn’t being paid in dollars, I was being paid in baht. Yeah, this awesome lamp shaped like a tuk-tuk is only $35, half of what you’d pay back home – but that’s 1,100 baht, a ridiculous price to pay for a lamp in Thailand. Paid in baht, think in baht.

They made Dracula in New York, why not Moses in Bangkok? He could part the Red-Light Sea!

They made Dracula in New York, why not Moses in Bangkok? He could part the Red-Light Sea!

They made Dracula in New York, why not Moses in Bangkok? He could part the Red-Light Sea!Thou Shalt Take a Really Good Stab at the Language: I’m a complete hypocrite for mentioning this one, as I’ve met people who have been here literally 1/8th the time I have that could destroy me on a Thai speak-off. Speaking from cold, hard (okay, bitter and frightened) experience, if you know the language, doors open up that simply don’t open up otherwise. You get a much deeper glimpse into everything from gossip to politics to history to dirty jokes. My completely non-professional advice – learn the alphabet, practice reading every sign you can and copy and talk as much Thai with as many people as you can, in that order.

Thou Shalt Not Judge Your Friends and Family Too Harshly When You Visit: Living in a city like Bangkok among the gumball mix of freakish, amazing, awful, interesting, outrageous personalities – and in such close proximity to so many amazing sights – changes you. I’m not going to get into how it changes you, it just does. But as you’re changing, your friends and family back home aren’t; they’re stagnating. I’m not saying their lives are being wasted or that they’re unhappy, but as you sit there at your best friend’s dinner table telling them a tale of exploring a 1,000 year old temple or diving with whale sharks or eating a bowl of noodles on the street at 3am with a one-armed former army commando, four ladyboy prostitutes and an elephant (in Bangkok, you never know), they will likely listen politely, smile and say, “Wow, sounds great!” Then they will remember that tonight is the season finale of whatever stupid, pointless television show has everyone hypnotized and start talking about how their drywall has mold. It’s not that they don’t care, but unless they’ve actually done the things you’re talking about, they have no frame of reference. Go easy on them.

"Must...watch...survivor..."

“Must…watch…survivor…”

Thou Shalt Give People What They Want: I know I said ten commandments, but it’s late and I can’t think of anymore. Have any suggestions?