Thailand’s oft-hapless Tourism Authority has always done a good job of pushing Thailand as ‘The Land of Smiles’. The problem with this, of course, is that anyone who reads a few paragraphs of sanitized TAT-approved copy arrives in Thailand thinking that everyone is running around with grins so big that their heads are splitting open. Of course this is not the case – Thailand has jerks and thugs just like any country, and the ‘Thai Smile’ can often be nothing more than a mask for some serious emotional distress. With this in mind, be wary of what you do and say, because while Thais certainly love to smile, they aren’t shy about giving someone his comeuppance, if they deserve it.

Despite the recent hubub in Thailand (hopefully) starting to die down, tensions are still a bit high. This got me thinking about a few topics that can touch a raw nerve, and I decided to list out five of the top things that you should definitely avoid doing while traveling in Thailand if you don’t like your face being punched.

1) Saying something bad about the monarchy: This one is a no-brainer and is listed first in every travel guide, website, e-book, pamphlet and TV show about the Kingdom, but I’m still shocked at how many people don’t realize how serious a crime it is here. Saying something even slightly negative about any member of the Royal Family will likely be met with several punches to the face AND some time in possibly the worst prison this side of Saigon. Pro tip: Just avoid the topic altogether – if someone mentions it, run as fast as you can in the other direction.

2) Being a bit too friendly with the ladies: In my first month in Thailand I visited a waterfall in the countryside on a school field trip. Being that the area didn’t see too many foreigners, I was a bit of a curiosity; so much so that a few young women asked to take their picture with me. Being a natural jack-off ham, I picked up one of the girls in my arms and proceeded to pose. They laughed, the picture was taken, and the day continued. But later a Thai coworker told me that I was lucky that their boyfriends weren’t around or I would have had a serious problem. Many farang here let all the attention they (may or may not) get go to their head and get carried away with flirting, touching and acting like the Don Juan that they most certainly are not. Thai men can often be more jealous than Thai women, and usually have lots of friends. Pro tip: Pretend everyone has leprosy and you’ll be fine.

"Mmmm... purple..."

“Mmmm… purple…”

3) Learning Thai curse words and using them improperly: The first Thai words I learned were นมใหญ่ (nom yai, big boobs). My teenage students taught me to say it and giggled at the impropriety (and let’s be honest, so did I). Switch it around: teaching a foreign exchange student with no English skills to say ‘huge bazooms’ would be considered hilarious to teengers and mildly inapropriate to anyone else, but that doesn’t translate directly to Thai. Often what seems like a mild curse is hugely offensive. For example, I hear Thais of all ages and creeds say ‘alai wa?!’ which translates roughly to ‘what the fuck?’ So, I started copying them. However, whenever I say it around anyone except close friends, I get scolded, told it’s an ugly thing to say, and instructed to use the more polite ‘alai na?’ which is closer to ‘what the what?’ Now, take the swearing up a few notches and accidentally call someone a word that’s perceived as a bit too strong for pleasant conversation, and you’ll find out pretty quickly where the line is that you just crossed. Pro tip: Don’t open your mouth for your entire visit.

4) Letting your temper flare: Another thing that many people don’t get about Thailand is that the louder your voice is, the more you’ll be ignored. Sure, if you start ranting and raving many places will give you what you want just to get rid of you, but every so often you’ll run across someone who simply won’t deal with your crap and decide to whale on your head. Pro tip: Everyone else is always right.

Boop.

Boop.

5) Provoking political discussion: Along the same lines as discussing the Monarchy – but not beholden to the same taboos – politics in Thailand is generally best left to the Thais, especially lately. By and large, Thai politics doesn’t really affect us foreigners, which is a good thing – Thai politics is a dirty game with potential for serious fallout, and everyone has an opinion. Pro tip: Except you. You have no opinions.

And this is only the line for the bathroom.

And this is only the line for the bathroom.