From time to time I have extra time, and those are the times when I start thinking about stuff that I don’t normally have the time to think about. Most of those times are in the back of taxis or watching the city zoom by underneath the BTS, so I think about the makeup of Bangkok a lot. I’m also a giant nerd, so I have eclectic tastes, and sometimes those two things mash together and I end up wondering what I’d do if Bangkok/Thailand/Asia/the World was overtaken in a zombie apocalypse. One of the things I love about zombie movies is seeing how the people survive – where they hide out, what they do, how they protect themselves – so I thought I’d write down a few ideas as to what I’d do if I found myself alone in Bangkok when the dead started to walk the Earth. This post is pretty esoteric and a bit long, so only read on if you’re a fan of zombies, a fan of Bangkok, or a fan of both.

So first, what type of zombie? I’m going to assume that Bangkok is not overrun with the class of zombie that sprint like Carl Lewis. Instead I’ll imagine that they are the class of zombie that move along slowly but deliberately, but can still pose great danger if you’re not careful.

"Ooh! Ooh! Krispy Kreme!"

“Ooh! Ooh! Krispy Kreme!”

In this situation you need three things to survive – non-spoilable food, protective shelter, and offensive weapons, and not necessarily in that order. As Bangkok is a comfortably warm city I can do without shelter right away and, ahem, probably go for a few days without eating, so weapons would be my first priority, as well as a bit of transport to get me to said weapons.

For this I would probably simply commandeer a city bus, the air-con orange ones with sealed windows and doors; I will christen her Bertha. I could also reverse Bertha into any stores I need and use her back door to get in and out while blocking the entrance with the vehicle. Assuming, of course, I could learn how to drive the damn thing. Well, I ain’t got nuthin’ but time so that’s not a problem.

My lovely Bertha.

My lovely Bertha.

For weapons I’d head down to the Pahurat/Old Siam area just up from the Memorial Bridge, where there are tons of gun shops. As pistols are not very accurate, a high-powered rifle would be my weapon of choice, but they’re a bit unweildly in close quarters, so several pistols wouldn’t be a bad idea either. And of course, as much ammo as I can cram into Bertha. But guns work best at a distance, and they have the disadvantage of limited ammo. What happens if I run out of bullets, or drop the gun? Cold, hard steel is the only option here.

Since I don’t know (yet) where to find genuine katana swords (probably the best for this situation – sharp, maneuverable, easy to carry), I’d first head up to the National Museum and see what they have there. Their weapons exhibit is sure to have something that will be of use, at least in the short term. If not, I’d have to keep an eye out for those (now undead) dudes that walk around selling swords and machetes from a cart and borrow steal one.

Not to put too fine a point on it, but you have to stay sharp if you want to fight zombies. Also, schwing!

Not to put too fine a point on it, but you have to stay sharp if you want to fight zombies. Also, schwing!

So now I have a pistol on my hip, a rifle in my hand, and a sword on my back, it’s on to the next priority: food. In this situation, you need to think long-term, so canned or packaged food is the best option. I’d need to go somewhere that has a lot of this, but it can’t be somewhere too open or crowded like Paragon or Emporium. I’m thinking maybe Tops Supermarket on Thong Lo or the Foodland on Petchburi at the end of Ekkamai. Both are small but stocked with food, and have only one or two exits that are easy to block off. I’d load up Bertha with cans of tuna, beans, stew and veggies, bags of nuts and rice, and other such things. Since it’s the end of the world, might as well throw in all the chocolate bars I can carry too, but most importantly – water. Bertha would be stocked up with all the bottled H2O I could find.

Other important things I should grab from the store: medical supplies, towels, knives, scissors, matches, lighters, aspirin, rubbing alcohol, rope, flashlights, batteries, etc. Oh, and don’t forget the can opener!

I hope you have strong teeth, my friend.

I hope you have strong teeth, my friend.

So now I have my rolling fortress full of supplies, I need to find a place to hunker down. My first instinct would be to go underground to avoid the heat – remember, there’s no electricity anymore, so no aircon. I first thought the subway would be a good location – relatively cool, protected from the elements, but also dark – and who wants to run away from invading zombies into a dark tunnel where there might be more zombies? Not me.

So it’d have to be somewhere high where I could get a breeze, and this to me is all about being on the river. Not only does it offer the windiest location in the city, but also an escape route over water, which is very handy to have. I was thinking the Oriental Hotel because it’s only got one road leading to it from Charoen Krung, which can be barricaded and/or booby-trapped. I wouldn’t go up too high though – no elevators – but a bit of a view would be an advantage; maybe the 6th or 8th floor. I’d set up guns and binoculars on each corner of my floor and haul a good supply of my stuff up there to make it as homey as possible – maybe even a few car batteries, a TV and a DVD player! I’d have to lock the doors with chains, barricade exits, and lay a few tripwires/alarms to make sure nothing got in while I was sleeping or watching Dawn of the Dead on Blu-ray.

My Fortress of Solitude.

My Fortress of Solitude.

I’d also load a small, maneuverable boat with enough supplies to last a while, and keep it ready to go in case I needed to make a fast escape. Also, the Oriental has a small grassy area where I could plant a garden for fruit and vegetables and keep a few goats or chickens – both as food for me (eggs, milk) and food for the zombies should I need a distraction (sweet goat flesh).

Sounds cozy! This would be my home base until I figured out what to do next.

In the meantime, a few other things I’ve thought about:

  • I’d have to give Bertha an overhaul – putting grates on the windows, keeping extra jerry cans of gas on board and at the Oriental, making sure she’s loaded with water and guns.
  • I’d have to get some clothes, and now that I have transport and protection, I can head out to get some. MBK would be the best place, assuming it wasn’t overrun with zombies. They have those camping/survival gear stores, and enough clothes that I could be set for the next few years.
  • Bertha would draw attention, so for quiet jaunts into the city I’d use the BTS tracks, which would provide me with protection from the hungry hordes below as well as a good vantage point. Maybe set up some bicycles or cars at strategic locations for me to use should the need arise.
  • I would keep ‘emergency stations’ in various locations around town – a bag with a gun, ammo, some water, food, etc. Maybe ten or fifteen scattered around, at each major intersection or BTS/Subway station so I’d know where to run to if there was an emergency.
  • Speaking of emegencies, I’d also make some ‘safe rooms’ around town – places I could run to in an emergency and escape unseen via another route. I was thinking maybe any of the buildings along San Saeb canal – I could run up to the third or fourth floor (where I previously stashed a big bag of styrofoam or something) and jump into the canal. Messy, but better than being infected. Or maybe something like Siam Discovery Center where I could tie a rope from the roof to the BTS tracks, slide down the rope and run away undetected.

Thinking long-term, would I stay in Bangkok? Hard to say. Gasoline breaks down and becomes unusable after 1 or 2 years, sooner without the addition of fuel stabilizers, so if I didn’t leave before then, I’d be walking, and that’s no good. If I did leave, I would choose a more fuel efficient truck instead of Bertha and head northwest, overland through Burma and through India, Iran, Turkey and into Europe. It would increase my chances of meeting up with fellow survivors, and if I’m going to spend my last days alone, it might as well be in Paris or Rome.

Things you don't want to see when the elevator opens.

Things you don’t want to see when the elevator opens.

If I did stay in Bangkok, I guess it would be a slow process of improving my situation and upgrading my supplies. Maybe an armored car instead of Bertha. Expand my ‘farm’ to include more vegetables and animals. And then? Well, I can’t surf the net or update my blog, so I guess my life would be spent reading books and practicing my sharp-shooting skills.

What would you do?